Jungian analysis of a relationship of mother and son

The Mother’s Son (the Puer): Reclaiming Masculine Shadow

Other men, who do not identify with an overly masculine father, may begin their lives as a puer, or soft male. In his first therapy session, C, twenty-eight, disclosed that he felt as if he came from another planet or at least as if he were born into the wrong family. He had suffered all his life from feelings of isolation and alienation; he often had dreams of flying high above the earth, free and unattached, soaring away from the limits and responsibilities of daily life.

Mythologically, the one who flies high over the world is the puer (or, in a woman, puella) Aeternus, the eternal youth who will not or cannot grow up. Under the controlling influence of the dark side of this archetypal pattern, a man may suffer tremendously from an inability to mature in socially conventional ways, such as an inability to commit to work or relationships.

He may remain innocent and childish, caught in fantasies of spiritual perfection and unable to accept the limits of mortal human life. Or he may be seduced by drugs and alcohol into living on a constant high. On the light side, this divine figure, when in its proper place at the table, can keep an individual connected to ideals and lead him to genuine spirituality.

C was raised by a depressed, emotionally intrusive mother who turned him into her confidant and caretaker. His childhood purpose became to cure his mother’s wounds. When she felt upset, he would make her tea; when she felt lonely, he would listen to her speak, sometimes for hours. C learned, even as a boy, that if he had separate outside interests or became willful, his mother would belittle him and tell him that she felt depressed. In effect, C was a victim of emotional incest.

C’s father, a professor seemed to be a quiet, introverted, ineffectual man who drank vodka at night and disappeared into his room. He also remained close to his own mother, which created conflict with his wife, C’s mother.

C expressed disappointment that his father did not teach him sports, so he did not feel a sense of belonging with other boys at school. He tried to compete academically but received only mediocre grades. With some of the more traditionally masculine traits buried in his shadow, he developed other gifts, such as artistic interests. But, sadly, they were devalued by both his parents and teachers, who betrayed his creative spirit.

Socially, C felt awkward and shy. He was too ashamed to bring friends home because he did not know when his father would be drunk. And he was too frightened to approach girls because unconsciously he felt that his mother would feel abandoned. In this way, she betrayed his independence.

After high school, his parents encouraged him to become a welder, following his father’s footsteps and taking over the family business. An obedient son, he heeded their request. But after five years, he felt dry and depressed. He suffered from sexual impotence and had suicidal thoughts and feelings of emptiness.

C as an emotionally sensitive, artistic mother’s son, could not adapt to the overlay of the traditional male role without great suffering. His sense of inferiority stemmed from this lack of fit between the family and cultural expectations of him—“buck up and act like a man”—and his own gentle nature.

His critical inner voice, a shadow figure absorbed from these sources, told him that he was not masculine enough, assertive enough, or potent enough to be a real man. Tragically, having identified with the parental voice, he learned to devalue himself as he had been devalued by his parents.

Doing the slow, daily tasks of shadow-work, C uncovered his devouring mother complex and his consequent terror of women’s power. Eventually, he learned to separate out her voice from his own and her needs from his, thereby finding the gold in his dark side: his own unique style of independence and masculinity.

Working with his flying dreams, he found within himself a deep spiritual longing, which led him to a meditation teacher, a substitute father for the one he never had. In time, C returned to his passion for the arts, studying design and becoming re-inspired with life. He found work as a graphic designer.

In addition, C joined a men’s group and found the support and reinforcement for his particular style of masculinity that he never felt at home. In these untraditional ways, over a period of several years, C uncovered his authentic nature as a sensitive artist. Gradually, his self-respect began to return as he reclaimed his rejected vulnerable soul.

There is debate in the Jungian community about how to interpret the appearance of the puer archetype.

Daedelus and Icarus

The archetypal story of the puer appears in the Greek myth of Icarus. Daedelus, the father of Icarus, was jealous of one of his helpers and killed him. Forced to flee from Athens to Crete, Daedelus then offended the king while in exile and was imprisoned with Icarus. In his solitude, Daedelus designed two pairs of wings to enable them to escape across the waters that surrounded the prison tower. He cautioned his son not to fly too close to the sun because the wax that held the wings together would melt. But once in flight, the boy disobeyed his father and arrogantly soared off to the heights. As the father watched in horror, Icarus’s wings melted and he plunged into the sea.

Today, we see an epidemic of puers among people living on the margins of mainstream culture, especially in more growth-oriented or spiritually based subcultures. From the point of view of the larger senex-oriented culture, the puer appears naïve and childlike, too internally oriented, and dangerously disinterested in the work ethic. In addition, he or she seems to carry fantasies of specialness or grandiosity.

In their dreams, puers fly over the sea without constraints. This flight represents their rejection of human limitation, their love of spirit, high ideals, and open-ended possibilities. Like Icarus, they may have been divinized by a mother or father and given wings to soar above others. They, too, may have lost their connections to the body and the earth.

If they become involved at a young age with a spiritual teacher or religious community, they may become insulated from the difficulties of the larger world, avoiding its limits and even professing that it is illusory. They may enjoy the safety of a like-minded group that serves as a surrogate family. And they may feel special, even chosen, as their parents had implied. Finally, they may find a target for the projection of the Self, becoming part of a divine twinship with an “enlightened” teacher that confers special status.

Despite the dangers of the puer’s flight from reality, from the point of view of the cultural shadow the puer stands for youth and openness, as against age and rigidity; spirituality, as against materialism; creative possibilities, as against mere production; and imagination and talent, as against conventionality and uniformity.

Final Words

For the man who is strongly influenced by this pattern, shadow work does not mean merely getting tough or getting serious; it does not mean simply making a shift to its opposite, the traditional form of masculinity or senex. Instead, it involves finding an appropriate place at the table for the puer character, who can dream of future creative possibilities while the man, who works to become more deeply connected to his masculine body and soul, also builds a grounded life in the world. This developmental task can be achieved through the rigors of psychological work, intimate relationships, and creativity, each of which can give voice to the banished characters and connect the conscious mind to the unconscious depths.

Useful resources

• What is obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)?
• What is the cinderella complex?
• What is Hoarding Disorder?
• What is Narcissism?

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